Woe-men

                                  

A  work by Barbara Kruger (1981)

 ঘটনাটা ছোট। ২০১৭-র। একটা দোকানে গিয়েছিলাম। দোকানের TV-টা চালানো। একটা অনুষ্ঠান হচ্ছে। সঞ্চালনায়ে অভিনেত্রী শ্রাবন্তি। দোকানের দুই মালিকের এক মালিক বলে উঠল, “ধুর! শ্রাবন্তিকে ভাল লাগেনা, আমার শুভশ্রীকেই ভালো লাগে।” সাথে সাথে আর একজন বলে উঠল, “হ্যাঁ! শুভশ্রীর ফিগারটা হেভি! একটা ব্যাপার আছে। ছোট, বড় সব জামাকাপড়েই মানায়।” আমার পাশে দাঁড়ানো একজন তাদের সাথেই সুর মিলিয়ে নিজের বক্তব্য রাখলো, “ঠিক, তবে শ্রাবন্তির গজ দাঁতটি আমার খুব ভালো লাগে। মেয়েদের গজ দাঁত থাকলে আলাদা চার্ম।” 

I preferred writing down this extremely deep conversation about women’s body in Bangla, quoting verbatim, because I didn't want to invest time translating filth from one language to the other. For those who can’t read Bangla, it’s a conversation among nine or ten men talking about women's bodies (in this case, two Bengali actresses in particular) which I overheard at a mobile outlet. I was the only woman there that moment, being exposed to this abominable exchange. Realizing that I was getting annoyed (quite sure he thought because he kept me waiting), the shop-owner finally felt the need to address my problem (my phone needed fixing), but of course, while continuing the discussion on women, and the kind they all “prefer”. My problem by then was no more my phone, but something else. A problem which will take us YEARS to fix. Was I surprised when the 'bois locker room' controversy hogged the headlines recently? No, I wasn't. Most of the women I know weren't. They start young.

The uneasiness I experienced standing there in that room full of men talking about women's bodies (what else is there anyway?) made me feel angry, disgusted, helpless, hopeless, frustrated and suffocated. Is there any one single word for this? I wanted to give them a piece of my mind, but I didn’t. I couldn't. I have no qualms admitting that I was scared. I felt violated. Some, nope, I'm not too ambitious, MOST would think I was overreacting or was being "too sensitive". I remember one of my friends commenting-"many people will not even comprehend what you're talking about!" on the post. And the sad part is, she is right. Just as there are people who find men groping women, secretly filming women, flashing women, broodingly staring at women in public transport, and/or in other public spaces, trivial. Not violent at all, just trivial. And trivialization of such actions is what leads to its continuous nature, the wheel keeps spinning, further deeming these 'regular', 'inevitable', 'normal', and that we've just got to deal with it! Thank your stars if you don't have to tick off having experienced any of those in the course of a single day.

There was this man in Kalyani who used to park his cycle in front of houses where he could spot young girls, just to masturbate. I was 11 or 12, and didn't even understand what was happening the first time I saw him in front of my house. But one evening while returning home from my swimming class (which was barely a block away) I turned back to see him masturbating. Call me naive, but I didn't know what he was doing, though I knew he shouldn't be doing it. I never told my parents about it, but I talked about it in school, and almost all the girls instantly knew what I was talking about because they experienced the same. Priceless childhood memories to recollect! Years later it happened again. "At least you didn't get raped. You were lucky" was what one of our classmates said when my friend and I told him of a man masturbating in front of us. We were "lucky", but for how long? Can't even begin to imagine those who weren't/aren't "lucky" enough. Normalizing sexual violence just keeps feeding the throbbing rape culture that we are compelled to function in, made responsible for recognizing these situations, because the onus is always on women. 

I read an article (I'll post the link if I can locate it, which I can't at the moment) about a social experiment carried out in cities across North America, as part of a research on the extent of sexual harassment in public. A few women were made to put on clothes made from a kind of fabric specially made to hold fingerprints. When clothes were examined later that day, it was found that those were smeared with hand-prints all over. In short, the clothes lit up under the UV light. And considering the crowd density in India, picture putting our clothes under the UV light everyday we got back home from work! As if getting touched wasn't traumatic enough, that a social experiment was needed to prove to the world that it's a serious issue. 

In 2018, during my research stay in Aarhus I had always felt an unfamiliar sense of ease which is missing back here. Never for once did I feel alarmed by my presence as a woman walking alone on the streets at night, or riding the bus as the sole passenger; at least that was the case in Aarhus. One might say that Denmark happens to be one of the safest countries in the world and I have been plain lucky. Probably. I remember getting catcalled by some South Asian men in Paris. But every time I think of the night I was followed by two white men in Passau, it unsettles me. It's still fresh in my mind because it happened just a few months back. The difference between these two incidents and what we experience in India is probably the fact that it is more continuous here. My friend from Sao Paulo spoke of sexual harassment in Brazil and it's no safer than India. Both of us enjoyed the unhindered freedom in Aarhus, and ranted about the fact that we didn't feel at home in our respective countries. Aarhus in particular, made us aware of what we as women are missing out- a democratic public space. Then again, there might be women who may have different stories to tell about Aarhus. The thing is, we carry an extra baggage of anxiety everywhere we travel alone, but the baggage is heavier in certain places. In India, for instance.

I had met a Danish lady who owns a jewelry shop in Aarhus. We talked for long and I learnt she’s fascinated by India (which was evident from the fact that her shop had several photographs of India). I asked her if she would want to visit the country and she replied “I would love to, but I’m not too sure if it’s safe for me to travel there alone after what I keep hearing about the country. My friend once travelled to Goa and was chased by a group of men, but thankfully was able to get hold of the police.” I listened to her and I knew exactly what she meant. I don't feel safe in my own country. I don't remember planning any solo trip in India, which is why I couldn't stop her and tell, "No, it's safe". It's not, unless you own a private jet and can rope in a swat team. I'm envious of women who travel alone in India, and I'm also scared for them. 

A friend of mine who is now based in the UK once wrote about her experience encountering weird looks from men (mostly South Asians) when they saw her with her white partner. And that she was later approached by a man claiming to have no "bad intentions" to spend the night with him in his room. One of my dorm-mates in Aarhus was a Postdoctoral researcher from the US. Her friend who is a Botanist had travelled to India a few years back for research work in Delhi. It was a six-month project but she had to return home after three weeks. You want to know why? Because some of her male colleagues used to molest her. Her colleagues thought she was “easy”, playing along the general consensus that women from the West are such. I asked my dorm-mate if her friend would want to lodge a complaint now, but I was told that she is still too traumatized to talk about it. A majority might be wondering, "Why didn't she speak up when it happened? Why did she tolerate it for three weeks? Why isn't she willing to lodge a complaint now?" because these are the usual reactions I heard upon narrating this incident to friends, and colleagues (don't we read enough of comments such as these on the #metoo posts?). But those who matter, didn't judge. They listened. And asked the pertinent questions.

I'm talking from my own experience, and from what I hear/d from friends and colleagues. I'm not here to compare countries on the basis of women's safety, because it's compromised in every part of the world, and at home. Let's not kid ourselves believing that it's not.